Life Lately

I thought I’d something a little different for this week’s post. The last few posts have been pretty heavy content so I want to lighten it up a little! Today I’m just doing a photo dump, life lately, what’s been happening in our lives this month…call it what you will but that is the gist of it.

We did a thing. Hannah had been asking since before school let out if she maintained good grades if we’d color her hair over the summer. I agreed and she held up her part of the deal, so we went to Sally’s so she could pick out what color she wanted. She chose a light purple and I really love how it turned out.

We celebrated this guy’s birthday on the 10th and took him out for a fun night at Grimaldi’s Pizza at Park West. We’d never been to this restaurant but had heard good things and we weren’t disappointed.

It’s that time of year when we get a crap ton of weather alerts on our phones. Every time there’s a monsoon storm coming, you can hear all of our phones start buzzing with the weather alerts to take cover and make sure you don’t blow away. So that’s fun.

There has been a ton of swimming. Which I am cool with, it gets us out of the house and outside without dying of heat stroke πŸ˜‰

Lastly, there’s been lots of crockpot meals because it’s just too dang hot to cook! Spaghetti is one of our favorites and it makes the house smell amazing to have a sauce cooking from early morning all through the day. Yum!

I hope y’all enjoyed a little look at our life lately!

Enough

Enough.

You know how sometimes, you feel like life is good, everything is moving along with minimal bumps in the road and you feel good about the direction your life is headed. Then there are other times when you feel like God is throwing nearly everything at you to see how you handle it? We are in one of those times, the not so good times. The times that really make you wonder what could possibly be coming your way after all of this crap to make it necessary to go through and even still, knowing in your head and heart that the things you’re going through right now are not nearly as bad as another persons journey is right now. That brings me to today’s topic that’s on my heart and mind.

I know I’ve talked a little bit before of my husband’s job, he works in a level 1 trauma unit in Phoenix. It keeps him busy and he sees all the usual things you’d think he would see working in a busy ER in a big city like Phoenix. He sees the really minor stuff like your average cold and flu type stuff to the really big intense stuff like heart attacks, car accident victims, gunshots, stabbings, domestic violence victims, and drownings. He has days that are longer and more intense physically, mentally, and emotionally than most of us can possibly fathom. He’s been physically attacked, scratched, hit, kicked, bitten; he’s had to wrestle, tackle, and fight off patients who are attacking him and other staff. He’s sat at the bedside of old people as they took their last breath so they wouldn’t die alone and he’s done chest compressions on patients long after there was no hope of bringing them back to life so their family would know they did everything they possibly could have to save them. He has cradled the bodies of babies who’ve died so their parents would know that their baby was being loved and cared for in that deep dark moment of their worst nightmare.

This week was one of those weeks. The ones that make you question why would anyone do that job? So many traumas. So many codes. So many mentally ill who had to be wrestled into restraints so they wouldn’t hurt themselves or others in the ER. That was just one day. He came home weary, just totally spent from his 12 hour shift. His body was tired and sore from wrestling a few patients into restraints, from doing loads of chest compressions, his feet sore from running from one room to another to take care of whatever was needed in that moment. But he got up the next day and donned his teal scrubs and headed back to the ER to do it all again…whatever the universe was going to throw their way. Just so happened that another trauma code came in, but this one was hard. Kids are always hard for people in EMS. Ask any cop, firefighter/medic/emt, or the staff in an ER. After 90 minutes of trying to save this child, they just couldn’t save him.

And then that team who fought to save that child and lost, had to carry on and go about the rest of their day treating countless other patients who don’t generally stop to think about what happens in other rooms in the ER. They have to wait in the waiting room for longer than what they think is right, so they cop and attitude with the staff…the techs, nurses, and doctors who are doing everything they know how to bring people back from the dead and you there with your cough, you think you have the right to curse, yell, demean, degrade, in some cases, get physical, or even in some other cases threaten the life of one of these people who are doing everything they can to hold it together and treat you and make you well….

So, tonight is going to be one of those nights when my husband comes home weary, with tears in his eyes and heaviness in his heart because they couldn’t bring back a little child to his mama. That mama obviously has it so much worse, but I hope she knows that my husband did everything he could and that his heart broke along with hers that he couldn’t save her baby today. So I’m asking you, please be kind and be patient the next time you find yourself waiting in the emergency room for whatever reason…be kind to the techs, nurses, doctors…you don’t know what their last patient was or what that outcome was, just know that if it were you or your loved one, they would be fighting their hardest to keep you alive too.

Adulting and Relationships

I’ve noticed something happening within myself over the last little while. In November, I turned 40 and it seems like since then there has been a shift in my mind. Things are different. I don’t see everything the way I always did. Let’s see if I can make sense of what I mean…

When I was young, I remember thinking that 40 was so old…and not in a really mean or negative way, more like a dang, they are so mature and have it all figured out sort of way. I always assumed that your late teens and early 20’s were the time to have fun and be crazy and impulsive. In your late 20’s and into your 30’s you get more settled and start to ‘adult’ as it’s put today. Once you hit your late 30’s and into your 40’s, you had hit that point where you were set…you were settled in your career and your family, your relationships were well established and you knew what was up.

You were well into the ‘adulting’ portion of your life. There wouldn’t be anymore drama filled friendships or cutting people out of your life because of a disagreement. I mean, after all, by your 40’s you have been working on building or maintaining relationships with lots of different people. I’m sure for some people, this is exactly how their lives have gone…unfortunately, that is not how my life seems to be.

I’ve been married for well over a decade, I have two kids, I’m a daughter, sister, friend, niece, cousin…however, more of the relationships in my life are broken than not. Is it me? Is it them? Is it just personalities clashing and causing these rifts in so many of my relationships? I’ve heard a lot of people talking about ‘oh just walk away from relationships or people who no longer serve a purpose in your life’. Really? I mean, yes, there are definitely some relationships I would totally agree you just should walk away and not look back. There are others though that I just can’t get on board with your first response being to completely cut that person out of your life because there was a disagreement or because you don’t agree with everything that person does or says.

Let’s be honest here, I do know that I can be distant and closed off at times in relationships. I can be selfish and not really even think about the other person in the relationship and what they may be going through…but I can’t be the only one who does this though…am I just a really horrible person?

When did relationships become so disposable? I realize that people change and grow closer or grow apart, but in my mind, relationships should be something that is valued and given the room to grow and evolve before it’s just tossed away. I am sure that over the years, I’ve done my fair share of tossing relationships…tossing people aside. Because let’s be real, that’s what it is…when you decide that relationship no longer serves you, you’ve decided that PERSON is no longer important or of any value to you.

Wow, this got deep, fast!

I would love to think that I’m a great friend, sister, daughter, wife, mom, niece, cousin; just a great person in general. I do know that I am not without my flaws though and I’m sure that there have been situations in my life that I handled WAY wrong that cost me people…relationships. I’m not perfect. I’ve made wrong choices, I’ve not let people grow and evolve and instead continued to see them as the person they used to be instead of who they had become, I’ve had bad attitudes that have come out of my mouth in hurtful words that can’t be taken back.

Something that not many people know about me is that I don’t come from a big family, but I wish I did. I wish that I had close relationships with cousins and aunts/uncles, I wish that we had big, loud, crazy family dinners. As I got older, I wished more than anything that since I didn’t have that kind of family, that I would have those kinds of things with friends…for whatever reason, that’s not the reality of what my life is like. I do have friends, some I’d consider best friends, but none so close that we make getting together with our families a priority, or even just us getting together a priority. It’s more like we are just friends online…you know, as long as we have that internet connection, we are friends. You take that away and there’s no real relationship. It makes me sad and I feel like it’s probably mostly my fault. I don’t really let people in…by the time I’m ready to let them in they are tired of trying I guess…

I never claimed to be all sunshine and rainbows, in fact, I’m probably more dark and twisty than I’d ever admit to most people in real life. It’s hard to come to grips with the fact that you don’t have the relationships with people that you so wish you had, mostly because of your own shortcomings and issues.

So, to kind of wrap this up… there are some things I’m realizing about myself and am working on. Maybe it comes down to the golden rule after all…treat others how you want to be treated. If you want a friend, be a friend. Interesting. Hmm, apparently you can teach an old dog (me) new tricks πŸ˜‰

Bikini Bodies

Bear with me guys, this might get a little rambly and off path a little, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about weight. Not necessarily weight…more like (mainly) women’s unhealthy obsession with weight. But I don’t even really think weight is the issue…it’s more what we look like, how big or small we are…why is there such an emphasis on our size? Why is this a thing? Like at what point did women start deciding that their value comes from how they look on the outside instead of the content of their character?

“If you’re always trying to be normal you will never know how amazing you can be.” – Maya Angelou

I don’t think I fit the societal norms here, to be honest. I am big, plus size, overweight, obese, morbidly obese, fat, whatever term you use for describing my size…however, I have NEVER seen myself as big as I actually am. I am confident in my body. Is it harder to do some things physically because of my size, I’m sure it is, but I wouldn’t know because I’ve never been the super tiny girl. I’ve always ‘had some meat on my bones’. Was it harder when I was dating, to be bigger than other girls my age? Nope, I never had trouble getting asked out or getting male attention. Do I have low self-esteem or self confidence because of my size? No, not really. I don’t find my self-worth in my dress size…sorry, not sorry that I don’t see myself as less than because I don’t fit what society has deemed as attractive and worthy all because the scale is a higher number than you are comfortable seeing.

Is this to say that I don’t place value on taking care of myself or eating healthy and moving? Heck no! What I am saying is that I don’t think it’s healthy for one to be so consumed with eating healthy and exercising for the sole purpose of losing weight as opposed to eating healthy and exercising because it’s good for you, no matter your size or the number on the scale. I’m pretty healthy, I have no medical issues that are typically attributed to being overweight (high bp, diabetes, circulation issues, high cholesterol) but people don’t see our medical records when they look at us, do they? They just look at me and see how big I am and automatically assume I must consume all the unhealthiest of foods and do nothing but sit on my butt.

weight does not determine worth

As I’ve scrolled through each of my social media accounts lately, it has struck me that even the most ‘healthy’ and fit, the thinnest people I know still aren’t happy with their bodies. Why? Who is telling you that you aren’t good enough? Why are you letting them? This isn’t even about body positivity to me right now. I do want every body to feel good about themselves, but when I think about it, I want everyone to feel good about themselves because they are happy in their life and relationships and career. I am definitely not trying to knock people who are proud of themselves for being the healthiest, most fit, strongest they have ever been because they are taking the time to work and push to accomplish things physically to test themselves. I think that is amazing and awesome! I just worry about the women who are out there killing themselves to attain a smaller size or smaller number on the scale just because they think that will make them happy or make other people happy.

“Work out because you love your body, not because you hate it” – Katie Goulet

I have many friends who have expressed feelings of not being confident to even wear a swimsuit, let a lone a bikini, because they have a belly, or thick thighs, or are just bigger than what society has told them is the appropriate size to be right now. Each time, the thing that comes to mind is how to get a bikini body….have a body, put a bikini on it, now you have a bikini body. I recently took this to heart and purchased a bikini. Not a tankini like has been my go to for the last 10ish years…but an actual bikini. And I love it. I feel confident in it. It makes me happy to wear it. And I hope that when my daughter sees me in it, she sees that she too can wear whatever makes her feel confident and beautiful and doesn’t let other peoples opinions get into her head and ruin her self image.

For a really long time, I followed the crowd – must lose weight so I can be more acceptable to everyone around me, must hide my body because no one wants to see a plus size woman in anything that shows any skin, must perpetuate the cycle of self hate because that’s what society tells women is normal behavior…I thought I was so fat, I thought I was unattractive, I thought I was unhealthy, I thought my value was tied into the number on the scale. In all of these old pictures of me, I thought I was so huge compared to my friends…what the hell was I on?! Looking at them now, I see a beautiful woman who was healthy and was the same size as all of her friends! All those years I spent hating myself, my body, because why?…I don’t even know at this point.

Do I say all of this to say that I never have moments of weakness now when I see a picture of myself and think, wow am I really that big? No, I totally have those moments but they don’t define me. The number on the scale doesn’t define me. I don’t have a single desire to lose weight so that people will find me easier to look at, or more worthy of their attention. I have a desire to be healthy and to work on loving all of myself, flaws and imperfections included. I’m not willing to hide for anyone anymore. My wish for every woman I know, is that she would see herself and love herself, as is. Stop the self hate, start loving yourself so we can stop the cycle of teaching our children to hate themselves if they don’t fit whatever society has deemed acceptable. <3

July Goals

Wow. No bs. No excuses guys. Blog hiatus game is strong! It was 6 months long and although it was completely unintentional, it was necessary. I’ve mentioned before that I suffer from anxiety and depression…I have since my late teens. I’ve managed it successfully without medication since my early 20’s (yeah, that’s about 20 years) but occasionally, it sneaks up on me and before I even know it’s happening I’m in it. That’s where I’ve been. I haven’t had a depression this deep and dark in YEARS and to be quite honest, I couldn’t stop this one. Usually I see the signs…I see it coming before it happens and I know how to prevent it from completely taking me over. This one…this one was so different. I know the exact moment, we were driving in the car and it was like a switch was flipped. Literally one second I was totally good and the very next second, I was gone. It was weeks before I even cared enough to acknowledge it. Depression is an ugly beast. As I have slowly come out of it and gotten back to me, I have started to find myself being drawn back into the things I love and that’s why I’m back here once again.

I thought since it’s the beginning of another new month, I’d jump right in with a welcome to July and share some of my goals for the month

Choose Happy

This one is super important to me right now. I know that happiness is a choice more than anything else. You can choose to be bitter and angry or you can choose to find happiness in the little things and joy in the moments of chaos. As a stay at home mama, there’s a lot more moments of chaos than I’d care to admit, I don’t always have everything all under control…my kids do run the house sometimes. Even in those moments when I feel like it’s all going to hell in a hand basket, there’s a moment of hilarity that I can find my happy and try to salvage a little bit of my sanity. Teenager and Threenager ain’t no joke y’all.

Do More Yoga

I find so much peace and calm in just taking 10 minutes to get some yoga in each day. I feel centered and strong. I am by no means an expert in yoga and I’m not even super great at it, but you know what’s awesome about yoga? You don’t have to be to benefit from it. Just start where you’re at! Start with one simple pose and build on that. There are a lot of great YouTube videos on yoga as well as a few different apps for like yoga daily with new poses to try. I highly recommend looking into yoga if you haven’t yet.

Budget Wisely

This one is a toughy for me. I am not a saver or budgeter by nature. I’m totally a spender, a shopper, an impulse buyer with very little buyers remorse…ever. lol I’m trying to get better at this and so it’s one of my goals for this month. To be better at setting and sticking to a budget. I’m not looking to get all crazy about it and go super strict at this point. Like, you people who do those ‘no buys’…I am sorry to say but I think y’all are nuts! haha

Take More Pictures

This one is pretty self explanatory I think, but I’ll elaborate. As moms, we are usually the ones taking lots of random little pics of our kids…the funny faces or other shenanigans they get into. I want to be more intentional about the pictures. Capturing more moments of my kids snuggling each other, or playing with their dad, or at the pool with me. I don’t just want to take pics of the rest of my family, I want to be IN those pictures with them! I want them to have photographic evidence that mama was there in that moment with them!

Be A Better Friend

I am almost positive this goal was also on my last goal post in January. This is something I know I am constantly needing to work on. I get really wrapped up in what I’m going through and dealing with that I tend to live my life with blinders on…only seeing what’s in my immediate line of sight. I don’t want to be that friend that we all have…the one who only talks to us when they need something, or when they need to vent not caring about what’s happening in our lives as long as we are there for whatever is going on in their life. I want to be the kind of friend who is always there to ask how the kids made out at the doctor, or what insane thing your husband did to annoy you or make you laugh. I want to make my friends feel important and HEARD…valued and appreciated for all the ways my life is enriched by them being in it. So I am pretty sure this is just going to be an ongoing goal because I don’t ever see me being such an amazing friend that I can stop working on being a better friend to my people.

Hustle

I haven’t mentioned this yet but I recently became an independent consultant with Perfectly Posh, don’t worry I’m not gonna start posting tons of sales type stuff, but one of my goals is definitely to share Posh. When I say hustle, I don’t just mean with Posh either. I mean, all of my interests and businesses. It’s time to get back to doing the things I really love and that bring me happiness…blogging, YouTube, and all things beauty!

So, those are my goals for the month…what are yours? I’d love to hear some things you are going to be working on this month and maybe we can help encourage each other. xo