Adulting and Relationships

I’ve noticed something happening within myself over the last little while. In November, I turned 40 and it seems like since then there has been a shift in my mind. Things are different. I don’t see everything the way I always did. Let’s see if I can make sense of what I mean…

When I was young, I remember thinking that 40 was so old…and not in a really mean or negative way, more like a dang, they are so mature and have it all figured out sort of way. I always assumed that your late teens and early 20’s were the time to have fun and be crazy and impulsive. In your late 20’s and into your 30’s you get more settled and start to ‘adult’ as it’s put today. Once you hit your late 30’s and into your 40’s, you had hit that point where you were set…you were settled in your career and your family, your relationships were well established and you knew what was up.

You were well into the ‘adulting’ portion of your life. There wouldn’t be anymore drama filled friendships or cutting people out of your life because of a disagreement. I mean, after all, by your 40’s you have been working on building or maintaining relationships with lots of different people. I’m sure for some people, this is exactly how their lives have gone…unfortunately, that is not how my life seems to be.

I’ve been married for well over a decade, I have two kids, I’m a daughter, sister, friend, niece, cousin…however, more of the relationships in my life are broken than not. Is it me? Is it them? Is it just personalities clashing and causing these rifts in so many of my relationships? I’ve heard a lot of people talking about ‘oh just walk away from relationships or people who no longer serve a purpose in your life’. Really? I mean, yes, there are definitely some relationships I would totally agree you just should walk away and not look back. There are others though that I just can’t get on board with your first response being to completely cut that person out of your life because there was a disagreement or because you don’t agree with everything that person does or says.

Let’s be honest here, I do know that I can be distant and closed off at times in relationships. I can be selfish and not really even think about the other person in the relationship and what they may be going through…but I can’t be the only one who does this though…am I just a really horrible person?

When did relationships become so disposable? I realize that people change and grow closer or grow apart, but in my mind, relationships should be something that is valued and given the room to grow and evolve before it’s just tossed away. I am sure that over the years, I’ve done my fair share of tossing relationships…tossing people aside. Because let’s be real, that’s what it is…when you decide that relationship no longer serves you, you’ve decided that PERSON is no longer important or of any value to you.

Wow, this got deep, fast!

I would love to think that I’m a great friend, sister, daughter, wife, mom, niece, cousin; just a great person in general. I do know that I am not without my flaws though and I’m sure that there have been situations in my life that I handled WAY wrong that cost me people…relationships. I’m not perfect. I’ve made wrong choices, I’ve not let people grow and evolve and instead continued to see them as the person they used to be instead of who they had become, I’ve had bad attitudes that have come out of my mouth in hurtful words that can’t be taken back.

Something that not many people know about me is that I don’t come from a big family, but I wish I did. I wish that I had close relationships with cousins and aunts/uncles, I wish that we had big, loud, crazy family dinners. As I got older, I wished more than anything that since I didn’t have that kind of family, that I would have those kinds of things with friends…for whatever reason, that’s not the reality of what my life is like. I do have friends, some I’d consider best friends, but none so close that we make getting together with our families a priority, or even just us getting together a priority. It’s more like we are just friends online…you know, as long as we have that internet connection, we are friends. You take that away and there’s no real relationship. It makes me sad and I feel like it’s probably mostly my fault. I don’t really let people in…by the time I’m ready to let them in they are tired of trying I guess…

I never claimed to be all sunshine and rainbows, in fact, I’m probably more dark and twisty than I’d ever admit to most people in real life. It’s hard to come to grips with the fact that you don’t have the relationships with people that you so wish you had, mostly because of your own shortcomings and issues.

So, to kind of wrap this up… there are some things I’m realizing about myself and am working on. Maybe it comes down to the golden rule after all…treat others how you want to be treated. If you want a friend, be a friend. Interesting. Hmm, apparently you can teach an old dog (me) new tricks πŸ˜‰

Bikini Bodies

Bear with me guys, this might get a little rambly and off path a little, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about weight. Not necessarily weight…more like (mainly) women’s unhealthy obsession with weight. But I don’t even really think weight is the issue…it’s more what we look like, how big or small we are…why is there such an emphasis on our size? Why is this a thing? Like at what point did women start deciding that their value comes from how they look on the outside instead of the content of their character?

“If you’re always trying to be normal you will never know how amazing you can be.” – Maya Angelou

I don’t think I fit the societal norms here, to be honest. I am big, plus size, overweight, obese, morbidly obese, fat, whatever term you use for describing my size…however, I have NEVER seen myself as big as I actually am. I am confident in my body. Is it harder to do some things physically because of my size, I’m sure it is, but I wouldn’t know because I’ve never been the super tiny girl. I’ve always ‘had some meat on my bones’. Was it harder when I was dating, to be bigger than other girls my age? Nope, I never had trouble getting asked out or getting male attention. Do I have low self-esteem or self confidence because of my size? No, not really. I don’t find my self-worth in my dress size…sorry, not sorry that I don’t see myself as less than because I don’t fit what society has deemed as attractive and worthy all because the scale is a higher number than you are comfortable seeing.

Is this to say that I don’t place value on taking care of myself or eating healthy and moving? Heck no! What I am saying is that I don’t think it’s healthy for one to be so consumed with eating healthy and exercising for the sole purpose of losing weight as opposed to eating healthy and exercising because it’s good for you, no matter your size or the number on the scale. I’m pretty healthy, I have no medical issues that are typically attributed to being overweight (high bp, diabetes, circulation issues, high cholesterol) but people don’t see our medical records when they look at us, do they? They just look at me and see how big I am and automatically assume I must consume all the unhealthiest of foods and do nothing but sit on my butt.

weight does not determine worth

As I’ve scrolled through each of my social media accounts lately, it has struck me that even the most ‘healthy’ and fit, the thinnest people I know still aren’t happy with their bodies. Why? Who is telling you that you aren’t good enough? Why are you letting them? This isn’t even about body positivity to me right now. I do want every body to feel good about themselves, but when I think about it, I want everyone to feel good about themselves because they are happy in their life and relationships and career. I am definitely not trying to knock people who are proud of themselves for being the healthiest, most fit, strongest they have ever been because they are taking the time to work and push to accomplish things physically to test themselves. I think that is amazing and awesome! I just worry about the women who are out there killing themselves to attain a smaller size or smaller number on the scale just because they think that will make them happy or make other people happy.

“Work out because you love your body, not because you hate it” – Katie Goulet

I have many friends who have expressed feelings of not being confident to even wear a swimsuit, let a lone a bikini, because they have a belly, or thick thighs, or are just bigger than what society has told them is the appropriate size to be right now. Each time, the thing that comes to mind is how to get a bikini body….have a body, put a bikini on it, now you have a bikini body. I recently took this to heart and purchased a bikini. Not a tankini like has been my go to for the last 10ish years…but an actual bikini. And I love it. I feel confident in it. It makes me happy to wear it. And I hope that when my daughter sees me in it, she sees that she too can wear whatever makes her feel confident and beautiful and doesn’t let other peoples opinions get into her head and ruin her self image.

For a really long time, I followed the crowd – must lose weight so I can be more acceptable to everyone around me, must hide my body because no one wants to see a plus size woman in anything that shows any skin, must perpetuate the cycle of self hate because that’s what society tells women is normal behavior…I thought I was so fat, I thought I was unattractive, I thought I was unhealthy, I thought my value was tied into the number on the scale. In all of these old pictures of me, I thought I was so huge compared to my friends…what the hell was I on?! Looking at them now, I see a beautiful woman who was healthy and was the same size as all of her friends! All those years I spent hating myself, my body, because why?…I don’t even know at this point.

Do I say all of this to say that I never have moments of weakness now when I see a picture of myself and think, wow am I really that big? No, I totally have those moments but they don’t define me. The number on the scale doesn’t define me. I don’t have a single desire to lose weight so that people will find me easier to look at, or more worthy of their attention. I have a desire to be healthy and to work on loving all of myself, flaws and imperfections included. I’m not willing to hide for anyone anymore. My wish for every woman I know, is that she would see herself and love herself, as is. Stop the self hate, start loving yourself so we can stop the cycle of teaching our children to hate themselves if they don’t fit whatever society has deemed acceptable. <3

Salon Day!

Saturday my daughter and I had the chance to go hang out with our friends Natalie and her daughter Monique and get our nails done. Natalie and I have known each other for over 10 years. We went to each others weddings, my daughter shares a birthday with her, I took her maternity pictures when she was pregnant with her daughter and now I watch lil’ Momo everyday while Nat has to work.

Natalie had decided to go get her nails done this weekend and she was taking Mo to get hers done too because Tuesday is Mo’s 5th birthday! I decided to take Hannah too and make a girls day out of it.  

The salon we went to is in downtown Phoenix, it’s called Exclusive Nails.  There are all these old houses that have been converted into businesses that are usually all remodeled and look super cute.  I was really surprised to see the inside was so girly and feminine after seeing the outside of the building, but it was  a good surprise!

When you walk in the door, you enter the lobby that is decorated with pinks and blues.  There are black and white Marilyn Monroe pictures on the walls and zebra print chairs.  I loved the hardwood floors throughout the salon and the little touches of frill everywhere you look.

The salon is broken up into 3 different rooms for services.  There is a room for Gelish, gel manicures.  This room has a long table that seats 2 manicurists and their clients plus two gorgeous crystal chandeliers and pink table lamps.  It has the above quote on one wall and a window on another wall.
The bathroom was gorgeous, too!  I love the dark cabinets and the granite countertop.
The pedicure room is decorated in more ‘manly’ tones if you will.  But it is really soothing and peaceful in that room with its long bench seat and comfy pillows.
The last room is setup for acrylics with 3 different stations.  The pink wall with the swirly accent is one of my favorite things in this room.
Now that I’ve given you a grand tour, let’s get to girly bidness!  Nat and I decided to let the girls go first so we didn’t have to hear ‘mom is it our turn yet’ over and over.  Sabrina is the owner and she ended up doing mine and Hannah’s nails.  Allie did Monique’s and Natalie’s.  Hannah and Mo picked out the color they wanted and they sat down and got started.  

I think Hannah’s favorite part of the manicure was the hand massage.  She was pretty relaxed, I think!

Once the girls were done, we sent them out to the lobby to watch some cartoons while us mama’s got our nails did πŸ˜‰  Luckily the girls were really good and we got to relax and enjoy our girl time.
I love the gelish manicure.  It is not harsh on your nails like acrylics are and it lasts a lot longer than a traditional manicure.  Hannah and Monique have already picked out the colors they want for their next trip to the salon and of course, I’m looking forward to my next salon day too.  

This salon also offers manicures for men so I am taking Hubby next time for a little manly pampering.  The prices are super affordable and for the experience you have while there it makes it even more enjoyable.  
After our salon day, Hannah and I came home and picked up Sean so we could all go to lunch together.  We headed over to Jersey Mike’s, our new favorite place to get sandwiches.  Then we decided to head to Lowe’s for some chalkboard paint for a project in the kitchen πŸ˜‰
More to come on this soon!
After that we did some stuff around the house and then grilled some burgers for dinner.  Once Hannah was in bed for the night, Hubby and I had a little date night at home.  We watched This Means War with Reese Witherspoon, Chris Pines and Tom Hardy.  Super cute movie!  
Hubby is working Sunday so it will just be a cleaning day for me, lots of laundry and bathroom and dusting and vacuuming and all that fun stuff.  Gotta get it done though, so might as well get on it!  I hope you all have had a great weekend so far and enjoy the rest of it before its back to the grind tomorrow morning!

Field Trippin’

Happy Saturday lovelies! We are off to state cheer competition today! I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend so far.

Last Wednesday my daughter’s class had a field trip to the Arizona Science Center. What a fun time! Another mom and I carpooled instead of riding the bus so it was a much more enjoyable ride! lol

We were paired up with another group to explore the science center for a few hours.

Lucky for us, we were paired up with my friend and Hannah’s BFF. We had 6 kids between us two moms. I don’t remember ever having this much trouble keeping track of 6 kids though let me tell you! All the other field trips I have been on where I was a chaperone I never had trouble keeping track of the kiddos in my care. But for some reason on this trip I thought I would lose my damn mind…repeatedly!

One of the really fun things we did was the planetarium show. The kids all loved that even though us moms got motion sickness! haha

After that we went and had lunch on the lawn and let the kids run around outside for a bit. When we headed back in we just wandered around til it was time to head back to the buses.

Because we had carpooled, Hannah’s teacher gave us the option of signing our girls out of school for the day and being able to go back into the science center to look around with just our families. So that’s what we did! We took our girls and headed back inside and were able to see and do a lot more than when it was all the kids. We went into the Digital Age room where the kids got to check out things like a Sand Wall…

and the Warp Screen…

After we were done in that room we went up to the next level to the Forces of Nature room where they got to experience all different kinds of forces of nature. Extreme heat, hurricane wind, monsoon, thunderstorms, earthquake. That was my favorite part. Really cool. We wandered around for a while longer and then decided to let the kids get a snack before we packed it in and head back north to the school to get our stuff we had left in the classroom all day.

We got back to school right before school got out for the day but still decided to take our girls home. My daughter was not pleased with this decision! Who is this child?! lol Anyway, it was a really fun day and I’m super happy I got to experience it with my girl.

Perfectly Imperfect…

I don’t know about y’all, but I am tired.

I am tired of people telling me that I need to change to fit some mold.

I’m not thin enough, I’m not tall enough, my hair is not the right color, length or style…

My teeth aren’t straight, or perfectly white, my smile is crooked…

My clothes aren’t the latest fashions, I don’t drive a nice new car, my house isn’t perfectly decorated and you are likely to find dishes in the sink.

We may not take over the top vacations, or have a lot of financial wealth…

But

I am perfectly imperfect.

I am healthy.

I am alive and breathing and moving.

I am just right as I am right this moment.

I have a husband who adores me.

I have a daughter who thinks I am the best mama in the whole wide world.  

I have family who loves and supports me.

I have friends who encourage and uplift me.

I have a car that gets us from point A to point Z and everywhere in between.

I have a nice house, in a nice neighborhood with friendly neighbors and is safe for my family.

We have nice, clean clothes on our backs and there is plenty of food in my house to feed my family.

We spend time as a family every single day enjoying each others company and spending quality time together.

I have everything I need.  I am content with my life as it is right this very minute.  I am happy to be where I am right now.  I am BLESSED to be in this life.

Party Time…

Happy Sunday lovelies!

I have this group of friends…we’ll call them my ‘mommy’ friends. We are all moms. We all met through a mommy group we were part of here in Phoenix when our babies were…babies. Now, all of the babies are in school and not really babies anymore. We have all seen each other through really rough times as well as some really great times.

We get together for play dates, family bbq’s, birthday parties, Mom’s Night Out and Mom’s Night In. And last night, we got together to say good-bye to one of us. My girl J is moving to Denver. So, in true Diva fashion we all got dolled up and went out drinking and had some great food.

So J – know that we love you and will miss you terribly. We will miss our play time at the park, our Saturday family dinners, going out for piercings and trips to the adult store (LOL), going out for dinner and drinks and talking for hours. Thank God for texting and facebook! You better come home to visit often and I will learn to love visiting Denver too.

Friday Confessional – I Dream in Skinny

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I confess

I don’t know how people with more than one child do it. There I said it. Does that make me a horrible mom that I feel like I can only be a good mom to one child? I love my daughter and her friends are great…but when she has friends over I lose my damn mind. The fighting and arguing and toys everywhere….I can’t handle it!

I confess

I play on Twitter and Facebook more than I should…and you can tell by looking at my house right now! lol

I confess

I dream in skinny. Let me explain, I am overweight, but in my dreams every single time I am so skinny and fit I hate to wake up to reality. lol

I confess

I finally seem to be coming out of the depression I was in, thank GOD!

and finally, I Confess

I love my bloggy friends I have made =)

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FMM: Girly Questions

Wow, it’s been a really long time since I have participated in a Friend Makin’ Monday! I’m jumping back in today after seeing Kenlie’s post over at All The Weigh. Here’s the idea, in case you’ve never heard of FMM! Grab the button, post a blog with your answers to this week’s FMM question, link your post in the comments section over on All The Weigh, check out some of the other posts that have been linked and leave them some comment love! The whole point is to make some new bloggy friends.

FMM:Girly Questions

1. Do you like to shop? I LOVE to shop. It is seriously one of my favorite things. Doesn’t matter if it is at Goodwill, Target or Sephora. I am a happy girl when I get to shop.

2. How often do you wear makeup? I wear makeup almost every day. I generally wear mascara, blush and gloss if I am just around the house and possibly running a few errands. If I am going out for a date night or girls night or something more important that just errands I will put a full face on.

3. How do you feel about nail polish? I love me some nail polish! I have a pretty decent stash of polishes. I would say I buy a new polish once a month or more. It is something that makes me happy for not a lot of money so it’s an easy pick-me-up!

4. Do you consider yourself to be a feminist? Yes and no. I am know that I am not a feminist in the traditional sense of the word. But I do believe that I am capable of doing most if not all things myself, even though I love having my hubby around to do the heavy lifting and such ;).

5. What is your biggest challenge as a woman? For me personally, I believe my biggest challenge is finding a balance between wife,mother and woman. I am all of those things, but its hard to strike that perfect balance between all three of them.

6. Do you wear skirts and dresses? I occasionally wear skirts and dresses. I don’t feel as confident in them as I would like to, but sometimes I just say screw it! and wear them because I adore them! I have been wearing them more often in the last few months so hopefully that is a sign that I am feeling more confident these days!

7. How do you feel about high heels? I love ADORE high heels! I just think they are gorgeous and love the way they make me feel when I wear them…and how they make my calves look ;).

8. Do you subscribe to magazines? If so, which ones? I subscribe to a few mags. Cosmo, Glamour and Rangefinder (a photography mag).

9. Do you shave your legs/wax/ use depilatory creams or go au naturale? I shave my legs. I have tried depilatory creams and they don’t work the best for me so I stick with shaving. I’m too chicken to wax!

10. What do you like most about being a woman? I generally like everything about being a woman. We are amazing, powerful, beautiful, intelligent beings and that is to be celebrated!

You’re turn now!

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